So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
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I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
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idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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