Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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