Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
