I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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