On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
