I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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