watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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