I could have mohawked her pubes.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
