Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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