So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
