Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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