There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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