im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
