We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
