I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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