Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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