He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
