I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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