A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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