Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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