So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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