you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Shame is for Republicans.
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