life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
