You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
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I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
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He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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