It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I need moral support for this bender
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
