My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
