Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
