You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
