so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
