There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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