woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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