I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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