My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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