I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
