Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
