Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
