At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
