I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
