you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
