im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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