Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
