I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
