Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
