Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
