I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
