Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
