would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
