Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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