He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
