Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
