Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
