office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
