Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
