Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
