wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize