1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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