I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
