if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
