On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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