I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
