for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Michael Bay diarrhea
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
